


You Say Too Late to Start (Got Your Heart in a Headlock)

by Chaotic_Adventure



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Blood, But mostly angst, Coming Out, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Gay Pride, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I love my boys, I've never been drunk so help me if I messed up with that, Just in one scene guys it's all good, Knives, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Swearing, what can i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 12:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_Adventure/pseuds/Chaotic_Adventure
Summary: His father’s words gave Alec a sick feeling inside. He couldn’t see himself ever liking girls. Not the way his father said he should.Or: five times Alec feels ashamed of his sexuality and one time he accepts himself
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Maryse Lightwood/Robert Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood, The whole gang really - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 238





	You Say Too Late to Start (Got Your Heart in a Headlock)

**Author's Note:**

> I had lots of fun writing this, and I hope you enjoy it!  
-Chaos

**I**

Alec was out walking with his father. He was five years old, and Izzy was but a toddler, snow dusting on her hood as she slept in Robert’s arms.

“Dad?”

Robert hummed. “Yes?”

“Where’s mom?” Alec asked, grabbing his hand. 

“She’s gone out for a little while. She’ll be back tomorrow, okay? She has a really important mission.”

Alec gasped. “Is she demon hunting? That’s so cool!” He let go of his father’s hand to draw his tiny seraph blade and slash it through the air. “I wanna go huntin’ with you and mom. Can I? When she comes back?”

“Sure,” Robert said with a laugh.

“Really? I’m the luckiest kid in the world!” Alec stood on his tip-toes and poked Izzy on the noze. “Hear that, Iz? We’re goin’ huntin’ when mom gets home!”

Robert laughed again and gently pulled Izzy away from Alec. “No, just us, okay? Izzy’s too young for demon hunting. Maybe in a few years, she can come with.”

“Yes!” Alec stabbed his blade into a pile of snow so hard it scattered, small tufts flying in every direction. “That’s what the demons are gonna look like when I’ve got ’em,” said Alec, turning to his father in pride.

Robert simply nodded and tugged on Alec’s hand. “Time to go.”

“What? Why?” Alec picked up his blade and followed his father’s tug. “Can’t we walk a little more?”

“No. It’s time to go, Alec, come on.” Robert stared angrily into the distance, then began to walk in the opposite direction.

Alec let go of his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Robert said, voice edging on impatience. “We have to go home.”

“But–” Alec turned around to where his father was glaring. He didn’t see anything wrong. There were just two little girls playing in the snow, and two teenage boys sitting on a bench a little behind them. One of the boys shouted, and the girls ran back to them, laughing. Alec asked, “can I play with them? It looks fun. I won’t use my seraph blade.”

“No, Alec, we have to–”

“Why can’t I play some more? It’s so fun outside!”

Now, Robert was glaring at him _ .  _ “It’s not your job to have fun. Your job is to obey your elders and  _ follow  _ me when I tell you a situation is dangerous!”

Alec felt his eyes tearing up, and he closed them, desperate not to cry. He knew what would happen if he cried. “Why’s it dangerous, though? They’re just mundies. They can’t hurt me.”

“Those boys–they’re evil people. See how they’re holding hands?”

Alec squinted, and he saw that they were. “Does that make them bad?”

“It means they’re homosexuals, boys who like other boys. That isn’t okay, Alec, because boys are supposed to like girls. It makes them bad people, and they do bad things, like kidnap little boys like you. They’d hurt you if they had the chance. That’s why we have to go now. Do you understand?”

Alec nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I understand.”

One of the boys looked over to them and waved.

Alec raised his hand to wave back, but then remembered what his father said. They’re bad people. Boys are supposed to like  _ girls. _

He put his hand down.

“Dad?” Alec asked as they walked away.

“Yes?”

“What if I don’t like girls yet? Am I a bad person?”

“No, of course not!” Robert ruffled his hair affectionately. “You’ll grow up to like girls eventually. You’re a little too young to be thinking about that yet.”

“Okay,” Alec huffed. “Are we still goin’ huntin’ tomorrow?” But his father’s words gave him a sick feeling inside. He couldn’t see himself  _ ever _ liking girls. Not the way his father said he should.

**II**

Jace.  _ Jace.  _ Izzy had been the first to even guess, but it was all because of Jace.

When Jace moved in with them, Alec had only ever met a few other boys his own age. Mostly, he just saw the older men that frequented the institute and their month-old sons.

But  _ Jace.  _ Jace was beautiful. Jace was safe. Jace wouldn’t hurt him. If he found out, maybe–but Alec didn’t like to think about that. Jace was special, he was nice, he was kind, and Alec had a huge, hopeless crush on him. And worst of all, he had a word for it.  _ Gay.  _ He was gay, and he liked Jace.

That’s how Izzy found out. She saw how her brother looked at the new boy. She didn’t know what it meant, but she forgot about it quickly, because she loved Alec no matter what.

The problem was that  _ Alec  _ didn’t love Alec no matter what.

He was beating himself up. Every day, seeing Jace was both torture and bliss. He couldn’t allow himself to feel, and yet, he was certain his glances at his adopted brother were obvious. He was certain his father would see, or maybe his mother, and someone would hurt him.

But nothing happened, and Alec’s secret stayed a secret.

At some point, he decided it had to stop. He needed this dream to be impossible. Because he still remembered what his father had said, when he was younger, about how boys who liked boys were bad people, and he didn’t want to be a bad person.

So when Jace asked to be is parabatai, he immediately said yes.

He rationalized it. He thought, of course he loved Jace. Like a brother. Like a parabatai. Like a best friend.

But there was still that little, nagging voice in the back of his head:

_ Liar. _

**III**

Alec first attended a wedding when he was eleven. He sat in the back row with his mother, Izzy, and Jace, and his mother was crying. Jace and Izzy were having a conversation that Alec was forced to listen to, even though he just wanted to look at the pretty clothes everyone was wearing.

“Hey, Iz,” Jace was saying. “D’you think you’ll wanna get married someday?”

“Maybe,” Izzy whispered. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I will,” Jace said with certainty.

Alec shushed him. “If you want to talk, go somewhere else!”

“Fine, but you’re coming, too,” Jace whispered, grabbing his siblings’ hands and dragging them out.

When they were far enough away, Jace said, “So, Alec!”

Alec sighed heavily. “What?”

“D’you think you’ll get married one day?”

Alec’s mind froze.

“I…” He closed his eyes.  _ Not allowed, bad person, not allowed– _ “No?”

“But, don’t you have to?” Izzy scrunched up her eyebrows, trying to remember. “I thought mom said you had to get married. Something about passing on the bloodline.”

“Oh.” Alec’s heart froze, along with every other part of him. Everything felt cold. He couldn’t move. “I… I don’t know if I’ll want to. Maybe if you get married, I won’t have to.”

There. He had said what he could, worked his way around the topic. Now he had to shut up before they began to suspect anything. To change the subject, he said, “Iz, did you see the bridesmaids’ dresses? Aren’t they really pretty?”

“Oh, they are! I love the sequins, and the little scarf things–”

“I’m pretty sure they’re capes,” Alec said, trying to remember. “Shoulder capes, and kind of see-through, too–”

“Um,” Jace said.

Izzy and Alec turned to him and said, “what?” at the same time.

Jace continued, “Alec, isn’t that kind of gay?”

Alec blinked. “What?”

“Robert said it’s gay for boys to like fashion and stuff. I mean, if you don’t think so then it’s fine, I just–”

“No, you’re right,” Alec said. He closed his eyes. “I have to use the restroom. Excuse me.”

He hid the painful ache inside of him from his parabatai as best as he could.

**IV**

“Alec, c’mon, tell us!”

“Yeah, you gotta tell us everything! How did you meet her? Where did you go for your first date?” Izzy bounced in her chair. “I wanna know!”

Alec grimaced. “I…” How did he get out of this mess? His parents wanted him to get married, he told them he had a girlfriend, and then his siblings wanted to hear about it. “I’m not comfortable talking about it.”

“Oh, we know what  _ that _ means,” said Jace, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” said Izzy with a grin on her face. “That means you had s–”

“No!” Alec shouted. “No, not like that. I just…”

_ How can I salvage this? _

He couldn’t.

So, he said, “I’m sorry, I don’t actually have a girlfriend.”

He looked up. Izzy was frowning slightly, and Jace was pouting. “Why did you lie to us?”

“I had to get mom and dad off my back  _ somehow _ , and I couldn’t just–”

“But then why couldn’t you just let her bring girls to you? It’s not like it’ll come to anything, we all know that.” Izzy tilted her head. “Why lie?”

“Because–” The pressure was building in Alec’s head, and he finally burst out, “because I’m… gay.”

If his pause wasn’t embarrassing enough, he outright flinched after he said the word. And then, as if he had to make it worse, he started _crying. _He wasn’t allowed to cry. Crying was weak. Boys didn’t _cry._

And yet, here he was, sobbing his eyes out in front of his siblings because he told them he was gay, and they weren’t responding, and he could  _ feel _ Jace’s response. From Jace’s end of the bond came a sickening, nauseating feeling, almost as though he were about to throw up, and it made Alec want to run.

Izzy, on the other hand, immediately hugged him. “It’s okay, Alec,” she reassured. “It’s okay. We love you.”

“No,” Alec gasped out through the tears, “Jace doesn’t. Jace…”

Jace shook his head, and the feeling disappeared. “No, Alec, I do love you. I was just thinking of all the things I’ve said, all the things Robert and Maryse have done… I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry.” He joined their hug, squeezing Alec tightly between himself and Izzy. “It’s okay, Alec. Thank you for telling us.”

“We love you,” Izzy reminded him, “no matter what.”

And Alec cried.

**V**

Alec met Magnus Bane a few months ago. They had been dating for two of them.

See, the thing was, Alec loved Magnus. He  _ did.  _ But he was scared. He didn’t want to scare Magnus away with all the crap going on inside his head. He didn’t want anything to happen to Magnus, didn’t want him to get hurt. But most of all, he didn’t want to be so scared of himself.

And oh,  _ man,  _ was Alec scared of himself.

He was getting better. Slowly but surely, Magnus was teaching him to love himself. But it was slow going, and his parents weren’t helping,  _ especially  _ since he came out.

It was an accident. Clary had figured things out when Alec started dating Magnus, so  _ she  _ knew. Simon knew, of course, because Clary told him everything. Besides them, only Jace and Izzy knew, and Alec wanted it to stay that way. He knew  _ exactly  _ how his parents would react, and it wasn’t gonna be pretty.

One afternoon, the five of them were hanging out at the Institute, each with a beer in hand. Alec only had a few sips, but the rest of them were completely drunk, laughing and throwing things at each other with rose-colored faces.

At one point, Jace said, “You all… y’all know I’m dating Clary?” He slung an arm around Clary, bringing her closer to him. “She’s pretty… awesome, and beautiful, and I love her, like,  _ so  _ much, you know?”

The rest of the group laughed, and Izzy said, “That’s cute, Jace! But I’m dating  _ Simon.  _ He’s like, like…” She frowned in thought. “Like a superhero! But cuter. And less strong, I guess. But I love him anyway.”

“Aw, thanks,” Simon deadpanned, wrapping an arm around Izzy. “I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

“Yes, I agree,” said Alec, who was pretty sure he knew what was coming and was trying to make sure it  _ didn’t. _ “Why don’t you go upstairs before mom and dad come home?”

Jace hiccuped. “But we haven’t talked about you, Alec!”

“Oh, yeah,” Clary said happily, eyes closed. “How’s your warlock?”

“I–”

“Yeah!” Izzy interrupted Alec with a shout. “Yeah, how–um, how is he? You haven’t seen him in a couple days, right? Or weeks?”

“Weeks,” Alec murmured. “He’s been out on a case. Apparently, a large number of warlocks have been killed recently, and he’s trying to help a friend figure out who did it.”

“Huh,” Jace said, eyes glazed over. “D’you miss him?”

“Of course I do,” said Alec. “I love him, don’t I? ‘Course I miss him.”

Just then, the door slammed open, and Maryse and Robert Lightwood stepped through. Robert looked ready for murder, seraph blade out and shining, while Maryse was wringing her hands so tightly they were turning red.

Robert growled. “Where’s the demon?”

Simon turned to him. “No demons, man. We’re chill.” He must have drunk more since he last talked, if the sudden slurring was any indication.

“Yeah, dad,” Izzy said. “We’re good.”

“But Alec said–” Robert turned to Alec, seraph blade still held out. “Alec said he loved someone, but he said–”

Maryse filled in the word that her husband couldn’t seem to say, voice wavering. “He said he loved a  _ him _ .”

Robert nodded. “Logically, there must be a demon around here somewhere. Alec, were you possessed at any point? Do any of you know?” He turned in a circle, eyeing the drunk teenagers in his living room.

Alec had gone pale the instant Robert and Maryse had entered the room. He knew, with their heightened hearing, that they must have heard what he said, but this was worse than anything he could have ever imagined.

“Hold on,” Izzy said, drawing a rune on her arm to sober up. “I don’t understand. Why was Alec possessed, again?”

“He said he was in love with a  _ male, _ ” Robert snarled, “and our Alec would  _ never _ do that.”

Izzy looked like she was about to cry, and when she saw Alec’s face, a couple of tears ran down her face. “I’m sorry, Alec,” she whispered. Jace, too, was looking at him with a stricken expression, and he hurried over to sit next to his parabatai, giving him all the support he could.

Alec was staring at his parents. Finally, he whispered, “what?”

Robert turned to him. “What do you mean, ‘what’? Are you telling me–”

Alec nodded stiffly. “I’m telling you I’m gay. And I’m in love with a man.”

It seemed like everyone was holding their breath.

Then, everything exploded.

Robert shouted and lunged at Alec, seraph blade still raised, only for it to be parried by a dagger held by Jace. Maryse screamed, startling Clary enough for her to cover her ears. And Simon, unable to sober up with runes, was looking around himself in a panic. “What’s going on?” he slurred. “Is everyone okay?”

Alec, meanwhile, was frozen. He couldn’t move. His father–his father was  _ attacking  _ him because he came out. He thought being gay was okay. Magnus had said it was okay, and Magnus couldn’t be wrong. Alec never felt better than he did with Magnus.

That meant it was his father who was wrong.

Alec stood and ran for the door. Nobody noticed him leave, so he raced up to his room and picked up his phone.

“Please answer, please answer,  _ please, _ ” Alec murmured as he waited for the call to connect.

Finally, he was able to breathe again as a voice came through. “Hello, Alexander, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Magnus,” Alec sobbed, tears finally coming. He finally realized that the ache in his torso wasn’t all emotional–a tiny dagger was embedded in his stomach, barely reaching deep enough to hit anything important but stinging like crazy. He pulled it out. It was the miniature seraph blade from when he was younger, a blade his mother cherished like a treasure, and the realization was enough to make him sob again. “Magnus, _fuck,_ I came out to my parents, I didn’t mean to, they overheard a conversation I was having and I’m bleeding and oh, _fuck_–” He pressed his hand against the wound in his stomach, which was bleeding far more than it should’ve been. “Fuck, Magnus, I–”

“Alec, it’s okay, breathe. Where are you?” Magnus sounded like he was panicking, too, which Alec didn’t like, so he told him. 

Moments later, Magnus was stepping out of a portal and gasping at the sight of Alec’s bloodied hands. “Oh,  _ Alec,”  _ he whispered. “Can I heal you, darling?”

Alec nodded, still dazed, and Magnus quickly healed the wound in his stomach. As soon as he had finished, Alec collapsed, putting his head in his hands. “Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck,”  _ he groaned, scraping his nails down his face. “Fuck, Magnus, this is–”

“It’s okay.” Magnus gently lowered himself down beside him and wrapped Alec in his arms. “It’s all okay, Alexander. Whatever happened, it’s going to be okay.”

Alec let himself sink into Magnus, taking as much comfort as he could. “I love you, you know,” he murmured. “I couldn’t lie. Not again. ‘Cause I love you, and I don’t want to hide you any more.”

“Oh, Alexander, I love you, too,” Magnus whispered. “You can rest now. It’s all going to be okay.”

Alec drifted off to the sound of a sweet lullaby and the warmth of Magnus around him.

**+I**

Alec remembered the conversation leading up to this. He remembered being nervous, not wanting to go, but Magnus said it would be fun, so he promised he’d give it a try.

Now, he couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t wanted to go in the first place.

He was at pride, with his siblings and their respective partners and, of course, Magnus, and he was having the time of his life.

There was just something about the energy of pride. Everyone there was genuinely  _ happy  _ about who they were. They were  _ proud.  _ They put away their fears for a couple hours and simply enjoyed being together.

_ “It’s never too late to start,”  _ Magnus had told Alec once.  _ “It feels like it, sometimes. I know that feeling well. But one thing I’ve learned in my life is that it’s  _ never  _ too late.” _

For the first time, Alec was proud of who he was. And squished in the middle of the parade with all his siblings, his friends, and Magnus, he was truly happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and I will love you forever, or a kudos if you liked it! Have a beautiful day!


End file.
